5 Tips for Parents who Learn their Child has a Classmate with an Anaphylactic Allergy

I read a news article this week about a 13 year-old boy tragically dying after being chased by a group of children who forced a piece of cheese down his shirt.  The boy had an anaphylactic allergy to dairy.

This one hit close to home. My heart and deepest condolences go out to the boy’s family as they grieve for a life taken too soon and for a society that let this happen.

This article reminded me again of one of the biggest challenge that we have facing us as parents: how to parent for empathy, connection and community.  We want to raise our children to care about others, to try and understand what it might be like to stand in another person’s shoes, and to contribute their gifts and skills to create a better community for everyone.  We want to raise children who are empathetic, generous, connected to others, and care about the best interests of community.

The struggle is how do we do this?

Clearly the bully in the story above has not been raised with these values.

This lack of empathy, connection, and sense of responsibility to community creates grave concerns in the context of my daughter’s life-threatening allergy to dairy.  In the few years she has attended school, she has had already had three experiences with other children in the school where dairy – the source of her life-threatening allergy – has been used to heighten her sense of fear and threaten her safety:

• One classmate left a piece of cheese on the communal class carpet as a joke.

• Two other students in the school chased her around the schoolyard throwing a cheese string at her.

• Just last week another student dared his friend to rub his dairy-filled hands all over the diary-free table that is reserved for her for lunch time.

So for parents who find out that a child has an allergy in their class or for any parents with school aged children this article is an important read.  It’s vital that we create future citizens who are empathetic, who care about the well-being of others and who feel a responsibility to the larger community.

With the theme of parenting for empathy, connection and community in mind, here are five tips for parents who learn there is a student with an allergy in your child’s class to consider to create as supportive an environment as possible:

1. Be Empathetic

The first and more important tip is to be empathetic to the child with the life-threatening allergy.  The child likely experiences stress and anxiety every time they step out of the house and into an environment with invisible threats all around them.  For children with allergies to foods that are not prohibited from the school environment, this stress and anxiety is present every time they walk into the school.

As a parent, imagine that your child entered an environment with invisible threats all around them each time they went to school. Imagine if your child were the one with the anaphylactic allergy and you were worried that each morning you said goodbye could be the last.

The fact that there is a student with an anaphylactic allergy in your child’s class will undoubtedly cause inconvenience to you as you and your child learn about new protocols within your child’s class to keep the student safe.  These protocols may include a request not to send the allergen in your child’s snack or lunch.  And these protocols provide an opportunity for you to parents for empathy and connection.  They provide an opportunity to teach your child about the value of community and the importance of considering our own responsibilities to the larger community in the everyday choices we make.

As a parent with a child with an allergy, I’m well aware of the challenge of cooking differently.  Because of our daughter’s anaphylactic allergy to dairy, we have had to change the way we cook significantly.  But here’s the great news: once we figured it out, it became second nature.  Just like we did, you’ll quickly fall into a new routine of making snacks and lunches.  And any concerns about how much of the allergic food your child is eating (like dairy) can be addressed by making sure they eat it at breakfast and dinner.

The other day I ran into a parent of a child who was in my daughter’s class several years ago.  She didn’t remember me but I recognized her.

Then she realized who I was: “Oh….you’re the mom with a daughter with an allergy.”

“Yes,” I responded.

“Well,” (big sigh) “now there’s another child with an allergy to dairy in my youngest child’s class.  It’s so hard to think about what to send for lunch.”

“Hmm…” I answered.

I have been thinking about this exchange quite a bit.  I didn’t have an answer because in some ways it is an impossible conversation for me.  I don’t have words that can make other parents feel better about the restrictions that are being placed on what their child can eat at school.   On one hand, I would rather not engage in these impossible conversations (maybe that’s why I’m writing several articles on this topic) but, on the other hand, maybe these conversations provide an important opportunity for me to come up with something productive or educational to say to a parents who express these types of views to me.

My first instinct is to say: “inconvenience should never outweigh a child’s safety.  Full stop.”

But I realize that, despite being true, this can sound a bit harsh. And since this section is about empathy… I have thought for awhile about other possible responses.  So here’s one I might try:

“I can see how other children’s allergies cause inconvenience for you.  But you can choose to look at it as an inconvenience OR you can see it as an opportunity to teach your children about empathy, caring for others and contributing to the larger school community.  By doing their best to create a safe and supportive environment for the child in their class who has an allergy, your child has the opportunity to practice these skills, which will serve them well in their life as they grow up.”

I’ll try that one out the next time I am faced with this type of comment and I will let you know how it goes.

2. Provide Support for the Parents of the Allergic Child

Navigating the school environment is stressful for the parents and child with an allergy.  Many parents of children with allergies face resistance from the school administration about making the classroom allergen free.  This is particularly the case if the school has never created an allergen-free environment before for something that is not prohibited school-wide.

Look… I get it…  It’s inconvenient for the school and requires extra planning and a thoughtful approach to creating a safe environment for an allergic child.  And school administrators are busy.  The thing is, schools have a legal responsibility to keep children in their care safe.

So if, as a parent, you’re empathetic to the child with an allergy, consider aligning yourself with the parents of that child and requesting that the school administration create a safe environment for that child.  Work alongside them to build a safer community for all children.  Support in numbers is always an effective way to spur people into action and this support would be much appreciated by the parents and child with an allergy.

The bonus is that your child will see you acting with the larger community’s interest in mind and throughout this process you can emphasize empathy, connection and community.  This can be a perfect opportunity to role model these values for your own child.

3. Avoid Speaking About the Child’s Allergy in Front of Them

Most parents of other children are empathetic, which is wonderful.  Over the years, we have learned that because we often see parents at drop-off and pick-up, it was very common for other parents to express their concern about our daughter’s allergy while she was within earshot.  They would say things like:

“Wow, I can only imagine how worried you would be sending her off to school!” or

“Dairy is everywhere!” or

“That must be so hard!”

These statements are all true and much appreciated.  But during these conversations, we would notice our daughter getting more and more anxious and clinging to our legs for safety.

So here’s the third big tip for other parents: please do not talk to the parents of the child with an allergy about the allergy in front of the child.  We work really hard to get our daughter into the right mindset so that she feels as safe as possible in going back and navigating her school environment. And despite the good intentions behind these well-meaning, kind, and generous comments, they often undo a lot of our preparation work.

But, by all means, have those conversations with the parents and show your support and empathy.  It is so appreciated.  Please just be sure to do it when the child who has the life-threatening allergy is out of earshot (and it’s probably best to have the conversation out of earshot of other little people if they are still at the age of repeating everything they hear their parents say!).

4. Send Allergen-free Lunches and Snacks

For my daughter, lunchtime is super stressful.  She worries about whether she will have someone to sit with at her dairy-free lunch table.  (And after the incident last week, she will now also worry that the table itself may not be safe for her.) No parent wants their child to sit alone at lunchtime.  So consider sending an allergen-free lunch to school with your child.

Sending an allergen-free lunch every day would be ideal because that reduces the risk to the other child completely and it has the added bonus of providing your child with the opportunity to sit with the child with an allergy anytime they would like.

But this may be difficult.

So an alternative is to arrange with your child and the other parents to send an allergen-free lunch on certain days and on those days your child will sit at the allergen free table.  With enough parents of children doing this, the child with the allergy will ideally have someone to sit with every day.

Wouldn’t that would be wonderful?

5. Do Not Question or Minimize the Seriousness of the Allergy

If the parents of a child with an allergy indicate it is anaphylactic, you can assume that they have been told by a specialist that their child’s allergy is life-threatening.  You can also assume that they have had many visits to the Emergency Room as a result of their child’s allergy.  So the first part of this tip is not to question the seriousness of the allergy.

In our first year of school, the parents of other students in the class requested an information session from us so that they could understand our daughter’s allergy.  During the session, a doctor in an ER made it very clear that she did not believe our daughter’s allergy was that serious.  She asked question after question and indicated that she sees a lot of overreacting parents in her work.

When we described the number of visits of the ER, the severity of our daughter’s reaction on introducing yoghurt for the first time and the many other incidences that she has experienced, she finally uncrossed her arms and said: “Well, it does sound like she actually has an anaphylactic allergy.” (Oh, thank you doctor!)  The fact that this resistance came from a medical doctor created another huge hurdle for us with the other parents in the room.

The second part of this tip is not to minimize the seriousness of the allergy.  It’s human nature to try and communicate your understanding of new information that you receive from others.  When I tell them my daughter has an anaphylactic allergy to dairy, people often tell me that they are lactose-intolerant.  I am lactose-intolerant too and when I eat dairy I definitely suffer for it.

BUT…eating something and getting a lot of gas or experiencing discomfort is not the same as dying.  And this type of confusion makes me worry that people do not understand the seriousness of the allergy nor do they understand the steps that need to be taken to keep my daughter safe.

So this brings me back to the idea of community…to the importance of emphasizing the responsibilities of every person to creating a safe, kind, generous and loving community for everyone.  I hope this article has given you a glimpse into the various ways you can parent for empathy and connection and instil the value of each person’s responsibility in creating a welcoming, inclusive, safe community for everyone.

So let’s work together to make sure that every child feels safe and can learn in school with as little stress as possible.  And let’s do our best to make sure no family ever again experiences the heartbreak of losing their 13 year old child due to lack of empathy, connection and community again.

We would love to hear your thoughts on this, leave a comment below.  And share this article if you think of anyone who might be interested.

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