Respond to your children with love in their worst moments, their broken moments, their angry moments, their selfish moments, their frustrated moments, their inconvenient moments because it is in their most unlovable human moments that they most need to feel loved.   ~ L.R. Knost

As a parent, this quote by L.R. Knost strikes me to my core every time I read it. It’s such an important reminder of our responsibility as parents: to love our children at all times, including at their broken, angry, selfish, inconvenient, and unlovable moments.

It’s easy to love our children when they are happy, listening to us, and behaving in public. It’s not so easy, however, to do this when they’re pouting, stubborn, angry, frustrated, unable to listen, or melting down.

Demonstrating love to our children during these difficult moments is a big ask – at times, it’s a seemingly superhuman ask. In this article, I share an important perspective shift to help you parent your child with empathy and love especially when they are having a rough day.

Shift your lens

Shifting your lens is the most important first step to developing the skill and ability to react with empathy and love to your children in their most difficult moments.  As Dr. Ross Greene says, we need to begin by understanding that kids are not trying to be defiant and manipulative rather they’re not able to meet the expectations that are being placed on them. (For more about this lens shift, listen to the podcast by Dr. Greene and his amazing team called Parenting Your Challenging Child).

This perspective shift requires us, as parents, to understand that “kids do well if they can so if they are not doing well, something is getting in their way” and “kids are not giving you a hard time, they are having a hard time.” What this means is that your children are not acting out because they’re choosing to behave badly or are trying to be manipulative, rather they are unable to control their emotions and behaviours because they are unable to in the situation they find themselves in.

The Science Behind this Lens Shift

In this article, Dr. Vanessa Lapointe clarifies the neuroscience behind why children are unable to regulate their emotions:

Children are not capable of self-control, impulse management, and self-regulation. It is not that they are trying to mess with your head. They literally CANNOT control themselves, especially when emotions are running high. We know this from the world of neuroscience. You need a developed frontal and pre-frontal cortex and a regulated emotional core in the brain in order to have self-control. Kids don’t have that. So we must stop trying to pretend they do. And instead, figure out what you can do as a parent to help support the growth of that so your child can eventually become someone who is emotionally settled and has the capacity for self-control, self-regulation, and impulse management.

In her book, Discipline Without Damage, Dr Lapointe highlights that parents have been taught the mythology that kids are manipulative and intentionally defiant. This mythology is grounded in religious beliefs based on concepts of evil and sin. Generations of parents have grown up with the misconception that kids are choosing to be bad and trying to manipulate, when in fact, the neuroscience of brain development proves that they are incapable of effectively regulating their emotions until they reach ages 14 to 15.

Another helpful reframing of children’s difficult behaviour is in understanding that stress can lead children to be disregulated. As Dr. Stuart Shankar, author of Self-Regulation highlights, stress can lead to children to be disregulated and additional stressors can delay the development of their ability to self-regulate.

The good news is that parents have a key role to play in supporting children while their bodies and brains are developing their own means of self-regulating. Parents can regulate their child externally and in fact play a critical role in doing this (Shankar, p. 47). In our children’s worst moments therefore we, as parents, can take an active role in helping to co-regulate our children’s emotions as their brains and bodies continue to develop the ability to regulate themselves.

Let this lens shift sink in

Once you let this sink in – that your child’s behaviour is neither personal nor intentional – it’s much easier to respond with empathy and love even in their worst moments. It’s not personal nor is it a reflection of your parenting that your child may be pouting, yelling, hitting, kicking, swearing or melting down. Rather, your child is disregulated and unable to control their emotions because they are unable to cope with the stressors they encounter or meet the expectations being placed on them.

Shifting our lenses as parents enables us to reframe our role as parent from merely dealing with our children’s difficult behaviours to supporting our children through their emotional disregulation.

So from one parent to another, I encourage you to give this mindset shift a try. Try reframing your children’s difficult behaviours as neither intentional nor under their control. Understand that their behaviour is not a reflection on your parenting but rather a reflection that they are having a hard time meeting the expectations being placed on them and managing stress.

This mindset shift will help you develop a thicker skin.  It will also help you draw on a deep well of patience, empathy, and love to support your child the next time they are having a rough day.  And the best part is that in loving your child through their most difficult moments, your relationship with them will become that much deeper.

Check out the next article here where I share some practical strategies you can use to show your child patience, empathy, and love during their most difficult moments.

We would love to hear your thoughts and reflections in the comments section below.

Photo by 🇸🇮 Janko Ferlič on Unsplash

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