“Don’t” is a 4 Letter Word

In school, I remember hearing about “The F Word” long before anyone explained to me what “The F Word” actually was. And then there was “The S Word”, and various other 4 Letter Words. Soon after learning many of these words, I learned not to use these 4 Letter Words in front of my teachers and other adults because I would get into trouble.

When I began working in the office at a local family run driving school, I learned to control my language at work. Once I became a teacher, choosing my words carefully became even more important. And more recently as a mom, I realize that my words have the power to live for a long time in our children’s minds.

I first realized the power of thoughts and words while standing in a gymnasium. When I was a university athlete, I remember my wise coach, Merv Mosher, handing me a sheet of paper. On it was a quote. I remember reading the quote, standing beside my sister and our teammates, wearing sweaty practice clothes in the yellow lights of the gymnasium after volleyball practice.

Watch your thoughts for they become your words.

Watch your words for they become your actions.

Watch your actions for they become your habits.

Watch your habits for they become your character.

Watch your character for it will become your destiny.

I don’t know whether or not there was an attribution on the page at that time, and a Google search today brings various attributions including Chinese Proverb, Frank Outlaw and various other possibilities.  My initial confusion transformed to appreciation as I pondered each line, and then the concepts united as a whole.

I realized that I had more power than I knew to steer the course of my own life and to shape my destiny if only I would grab the steering wheel of my own thoughts. If my thoughts eventually become my destiny, then better thoughts could create a better destiny!

Over the years, I have learned new lessons and philosophies and had to relearn familiar ones,  I do my best to integrate these into my patterns of thinking, ways of speaking, choice of actions, daily habits, and character.  I strive to do my best to determine my own destiny. I work hard to improve my thoughts, words, actions, habits and character. I do my best to fill my heart and mind with positivity, love and gratitude.  Working to become who I want to be requires moment to moment discipline (and I must admit that I often slip up).

One strategy I like to use is to transform my words and thoughts to a growth mindset. I often add “yet” to the end of thoughts and phrases to keep the possibilities open. Another key strategy is seeing problems as “challenges” and “opportunities for learning and growth”. Some of my mental habits take more work to change and I must admit that one of the hardest of my bad habits to change is the use of the word “Don’t”!

Have you ever heard the elephant example illustrating the ineffectiveness of “Don’t?”

Close your eyes and repeat the following seven times:

“Don’t think of a pink elephant!

Don’t think of a pink elephant!

Don’t think of a pink elephant!

Don’t think of a pink elephant!

Don’t think of a pink elephant!

Don’t think of a pink elephant!

Don’t think of a pink elephant!”

Now try …. “Don’t think of a pink elephant with super long, dark eyelashes, and huge ears, who is twirling a sparkly purple umbrella and balancing on a multicoloured ball on a tightrope!”

I’m pretty sure you just imagined a very strange visual (and I bet it was a cartoon image)!

This elephant example illustrates that to our minds, “Don’t” is completely ineffectual. In fact, the word “Don’t” programs the subconscious to do the very thing that you do not want to do! (Now pause here and take a look again at the photo above this post and consider what your subconscious is programmed to do.)

One the most common uses of “Don’t” is “Don’t forget…” which essentially programs the subconscious mind to forget the very thing you are trying to remember! When I hear our children say “Don’t forget…” I do my best to remind them to instead say “Remember…”.

I was reminded of this when my friend Lisa was over for a visit. We had a great chat and after we hugged it out and she left for her car I noticed that she had left her travel mug of coffee on the table. I could see that she hadn’t driven away yet, so scurried out to catch her, mug in hand. Smiling she said “Right! My mug! I even said to myself earlier “Don’t forget my mug!”

“You mean “Remember the mug!” I said as I tapped my temple. She got my point and we both smiled.

My original blog post title “Don’t Say Don’t” went against my point entirely, so instead, I thought of some better titles like: “Remember to Forget to Say Don’t”, or “Delete Your Don’t” or ah, yes… “Don’t is a 4 Letter word.”

When we’re struggling to move away from a negative thought, phrase, action, habit, characteristic, we must replace it with something positive.  “Don’t worry” is programming someone to worry!

So, from now on, when I catch myself starting with a “Don’t…” I’m going to work to replace it with a “Do!”

Don’t forget… becomes “Do remember…“

Don’t worry becomes “Do believe in your abilities“.

Don’t chew with your mouth open becomes “Do close your mouth to chew, please“

Don’t sit on your sister becomes “Do find your own space please in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1“.

Don’t talk to me with that tone of voice becomes “Do try again in a respectful tone“.

With our thoughts and our words, we must remember to constantly program ourselves in the positive.

Instead of “Don’t do that!”, we must decide what we DO want to do.

So I’m curious: what are your strategies to improve your thoughts, words, actions, habits, or character?

We would love to read yours! Please DO share!

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