My husband Robby is an exceptional gift-giver. He is so thoughtful in selecting gifts that I often find that he gives me something that I needed but might have only thought about in my head. He puts a lot of thought and care into selecting just the right gift for people and is very attentive to making sure his loved ones get particularly memorable gifts on special occasions.

Here’s one example of Robby’s exceptional gift-giving: Robby gave me a beautiful necklace from Tiffany’s with four interlocking circles when I (finally) finished my PhD. He told me he picked it to represent the four principles I articulated in my dissertation that could support rebuilding relationships between the Canadian government and Indigenous Peoples – respect, reciprocity, recognition, and reconciliation.  When I wear it, I think of all the time and sacrifice it took for me (and for Robby and the kids too) to finish my PhD.  And I also remain deeply touched by the thoughtfulness of Robby’s gift.

There’s definitely an art to gift-giving. I have learned a lot from observing the care and thought Robby puts into it. And I’m happy to report that I have moved beyond giving people things I would like to really trying to think about what they would like and need. All this is important context before I tell you about the Snickers situation, which is a situation that has recurred at least once every year in our relationship over the past 17 years.

Every once in awhile Robby will buy me a small gift while out grocery shopping (I know, so sweet right?). This year he came back from the store several days before my birthday with a twinkle in his eye. He was excited and told me that he got me something. He was rubbing his hands together and had a big smile, and then he pulled out a Snickers chocolate bar!!

So nice, right?  The thing is…I don’t really like Snickers bars. Oh Henry chocolate bars are my favourite and there are probably twenty others that would rank before Snickers. To top it off, he had surprised me with a Snickers bar just a couple months earlier during a time that I was having a particularly rough week. And… that first Snickers bar was still up in the cupboard.

Since it’s a moment that has repeated itself over and over, I’m always faced with a split second decision about how to react. I think in most years, I have just really thanked him so much for the thoughtful gift.  It is, of course, lovely that he thinks of getting me something, especially when things are stressful.  But this time, since he had already given me Snickers bar relatively recently, I thought I would gently remind him that Snickers is not my favourite chocolate bar. I said: “That’s so nice that you got me that. I really appreciate it. I like Snickers bars… but they’re not my #1 favourite chocolate bar.”

When I said this, a look of remembering crossed his face. “Oh right…you have told me that so many times!! How come I can never remember?” We both laughed and laughed. Then he told me: “The funniest part is that I was standing in front of all the chocolate bars and I saw the Oh Henry’s and thought ‘nope that’s not her favourite.’ I looked at a bunch of others ones and I couldn’t find the Snickers for a long time. I had to search and search and I finally found it and was so excited!” We laughed and laughed some more.

The next day, in true Robby style, he came back with an Oh Henry bar for me. He also reported back that he has devised a foolproof mnemonic device to help him remember my favourite chocolate bar. He said that as he is standing in front of the chocolate bar area, he is going to say “Ooooooooh… Snickers is not her favourite!” It will be hilarious to see if he comes home with a surprise Snickers bar next year for the 18^th year running.

Recently, I was reading a book by Erin Niimi Longhurst called Omoiyari: The Japanese Art of Compassion that describes different Japanese concepts and words. She talks about the word arigata-meiwaka, which describes that feeling of being grateful for the thought put into someone else’s kind gesture even when it is a bit of a miss. That word sums up this Snickers situation perfectly.

These recurring moments of arigata-meiwaka – these Snickers moments are gifts in themselves.  They have given us something to laugh and laugh about; they have given us fodder for an on-going, running family joke; they always remind me of how thoughtful Robby is; and they have given me something to wonder about…. Will he get me another Snickers bar next year? At this point, it would almost be a shame if he didn’t.

We would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below this article.

Photo by Erik Mclean on Unsplash

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