I have had the great privilege of competing in a variety of sports. As an athlete, I’m used to competition. I’ve also coached a lot of teams, so I know what competition is like as a coach as well. But let me tell you about how coaching ten year-olds created more pressure than any competitive environment I have ever been in! This was a big time succeed or fail moment, and I knew this was a moment of truth: I had the opportunity to apply Hero or Zero moves.

Picking the Team

As one of the head coaches of a club volleyball team for ten year-old players, we held the tryouts. Coming out of tryouts, we had twenty-four (24!!) ten year olds ready and eager to play. We divided them into 2 groups. I would coach one group and Pam would coach the other.

As soon as I picked the players, I started to panic.

I am a school teacher and on my team, I chose the daughter of the Principal at the school where I teach, the daughter of 2 teaching colleagues and another daughter of a family I know. I knew all the parents of the players and most of their friends.

Ooohhh, pressure!

The Challenge

Suddenly I felt the heavy burden of my Hero or Zero choice. I had been so optimistic that I could help these kiddos build their volleyball skills and have a positive experience in what was, for most of them, their first time playing club volleyball.

But that evening at home, I felt like there was a big furry bear sitting on my chest.

• What if I upset one or more of these players?
• What if I came across like a jerk?
• Or took the fun out of the practice or the game?
• What if one or more of the players started to feel insecure, intimidated, or pressured?
• How could I recover if I didn’t do my very best?

I started to play out the worst case scenarios in my mind. We had hardly any time to gel as a team or learn any skills with only had four practices going into our first tournament. My group wasn’t able to serve consistently over the net, and hadn’t been introduced to all the skills yet. They would also be competing against teams a year older.

In my usual animated fashion, I expressed my worries to several of the parents and my family. I mentally prepared for the worst: crying players, being completely outmatched, players with panic in their eyes, hyperventilating, or even angry parents.

Defining Success

I decided that the key was going to be 100% emphasis on process over product. (Kirsten talks about this idea in her blog post on Parenting for Process not for Outcome.)

These new volleyball players would not be able to control the outcomes, but they could certainly focus on teamwork, supporting each other and improvement.

I had to make sure that all my language focused on the process. Every goal had to be process focused.

In addition, I had to make sure that my intensely expressive face (which in it’s resting state doesn’t look particularly happy or encouraging) was set to smile 100% of the time. I had to keep this face under tight control.

Hero or Zero

As my team put their shoes on before we started warm-up, I decided to set the stage.

“Our most important goals today”, I told their concerned little faces, “are #1 to be supportive. And #2 to be brave. Do you think we can do that?”

I saw their faces change from concern to relief and I knew that I had hit the mark.

“Yes!”, they all said enthusiastically.

And onto the court they went.

The busy day was filled with little wins (though no match wins) and smiles. Seeing these sweet kiddos having fun playing, and giving each other high fives, I knew that my focus on process over outcome was a Hero, not Zero, move.

I got support from parents and opposing coaches and, more importantly, I had smiling players at the end of the day.

I even had one parent telling me that her daughter is now obsessed with volleyball!

When I look back at this experience, I know that my choices to:

• Define success appropriately
• Focus on process not outcome
• Have the kids support each other and be brave

were really the keys to making sure that playing on this club volleyball team felt more like a hero, not zero, type of experience for the players, parents and me.

And having a hero, not zero, experience is really what counts, after all!

Have you had a hero not zero moment? If you have a story or comments to share, we’d love to hear from you.

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Photo by Raja Tilkian on Unsplash