Parenting for Process not for Outcome

One big lesson I learned through sport is to focus on process not on outcome. And lately I have realized how important a lesson this is to teach my kids.

As parents, we need to praise the process – the struggle, the failures and the resilience of our children when they try something for the first time or when they persist until they overcome an obstacle all on their own. In parenting for process rather than for outcome, we can help our children cultivate a deep-seated belief in their abilities to succeed.

Focusing on Process in Sport

In sport, focusing on process is about focusing on performing your very best in the moment rather than letting the stress of whether you are going to win or lose take over.  Focusing on process enables you to think only about the next play.

In volleyball, this would mean if you were serving the ball over the net to the opponent’s side, you would only be thinking about that one serve.  And focusing on process in that moment means that you would not be thinking about the outcome (i.e. getting the serve over) but instead you would be breaking it down into the smallest parts of the serve.  So focusing on process in this example means that you would be focusing on:

• taking a deep breath;
• reciting a positive affirmation;
• making a good toss;
• holding your hand a certain way to contact the ball;
• keeping your eye on the centre of the ball; and
• transferring your weight from back to front foot.

Taking this analogy of serving into the coaching arena, this means that if a player did all of these things properly and missed their serve, as a coach you would praise all of these smaller aspects of their serve regardless of the fact that they missed the serve in the end.  In sport, we often say: “focus on process and the outcome will take care of itself.” 

Eventually, with enough encouragement, if players focus on process – if they focus on these smaller parts – they will start to consistently get their serve over the net and in.

And guess what?

This teaches those young players that if they put in the work and focus on the right things, they will eventually succeed.

Applying this Lesson to Parenting

This lesson about focusing on process applies in every sport and across every discipline where people can build mastery – theatre, music, art.  Lately, however, I have realized that it also applies to parenting.  As I raise my two children, I try to help them focus on process – to help them build their courage, their feelings of competency, and their self-worth.

There’s nothing better than seeing my child struggle through something over and over and finally get it due to their sheer persistence. And in some cases, they struggle and struggle and they don’t get it in the end. It is in these moments of triumph and of defeat that we need to encourage our children by praising their efforts, by noting their persistence, and by encouraging them to keep trying new things.

Now I’m not saying this is easy to do as a parent.  For me, creating space for my children to focus on process can be difficult because I have to hold myself back from helping them get through the struggle (and, as a parent, who really wants to see their children struggle, right?).  So you may find, just like me, that not helping and watching your child struggle is one of the hardest things to do – but I guarantee it will be worth it in the end!

As Carol Dweck notes in Mindset: The New Psychology of Success:

The whole self-esteem movement taught us erroneously that praising intelligence, talent, and abilities would foster self-confidence, self-esteem, and everything great would follow. But we’ve found it backfires. People who are praised for talent now worry about doing the next thing, about taking on the hard task, and not looking talented, tarnishing that reputation for brilliance. So instead, they’ll stick to their comfort zone and get really defensive when they hit setbacks.

So what should we praise? The effort, the strategies, the doggedness and persistence, the grit people show, the resilience that they show in the face of obstacles, that bouncing back when things go wrong and knowing what to try next. So I think a huge part of promoting a growth mindset… is to convey those values of process, to give feedback, to reward people engaging in the process, and not just a successful outcome.

The idea of praising the process is a key part of raising kids who are comfortable trying new things.  It’s a key part of raising kids who are okay with not being the best when they first start because they know that they can, with dogged persistence and grit, learn what they need to learn and work hard to figure out how to be successful.

Example #1: The Rainbow Loom Hamster

A couple of years ago, after my son had been working away on his rainbow loom for almost an hour, he came over to me to show me what he had made.

He said: “Mom, I tried to make this hamster but it didn’t work.”  He looked disappointed and a bit sheepish.

I looked at the hamster he had made and the elastics at the back of it were all sticking out because they weren’t joined together properly.  Then I said: “Wow, that’s awesome!  It looks like it was a lot of work.  Do you know why it is so awesome that you made it like that?”

He looked at me and thought for a moment: “Well, I know what I did wrong…so I can fix it next time.”

“Exactly,” I said.  “That is how people become great at things…by failing, learning from their mistakes, and then doing it better the next time.”

Shortly after he came over with two perfect little rainbow loom hamsters – one mommy and one baby.  And he looked happy and confident as he showed them to me.

Example #2: The Homemade Curling Game

This year my son decided that one of his goals was to join a curling team. Several weeks in and after a couple of hours of him being up in his room quietly, he came down and showed us that he had made a homemade curling game.  He had glued lego pieces to little rocks to create the curling rocks, he had glued other lego pieces to cardboard to make the brooms and he had made the rink out of cardboard and covered it with packing tape to make it slippery.

When he showed us the game he had made, we praised his creativity.  We noted how thoughtful he had been in figuring out how to build the various parts.  And his face glowed. 

Our praise wasn’t about whether the game worked….instead, it focused on the process – on his creativity and the work that he had put in to bring what he had only imagined to life.

Parent for Process not for Outcome

So as you parent your children, consider this idea of focusing on process not on outcome.  Think about how you can encourage your kids to try new things, to keep working hard even in the face of frustration.  Rather than telling them they’re innately _________ (smart, talented, gifted), tell them that it is through hard work and practice that they will create success in their lives.  Consider whether you can at the end of each day congratulate them on something they worked on that took persistence and grit. 

Raising our kids to focus on process will help each of them grow into the kind of people we want them to be – people who have courage, self-worth and resilience.  And that’s what every parent wants for their child.

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