Parenting for Resilience

As parents, a key skill we want to support in our children is resilience. Resilience is the ability to withstand and rebound from serious life challenges so that we can live and love well. As Froma Walsh notes in her book Strengthening Family Resilience, resilience “is forged through suffering and struggle and is relationally based through our interdependence with others.” This means that both experiences of adversity and people within the sphere of influence play an important role in helping children developing resilience.  

The way we experience, adapt, and learn from our life challenges becomes woven into the fabric of our identity and profoundly influences how we approach our lives. And so, developing the skill of resilience is an important ability for all of us.

How can we parent our children to support their resilience?

One central factor in helping children build resilience, Walsh notes, is that they have “a close, caring relationship with an important adult who believe[s] in them and with whom they could identify, who act[s] as an advocate for them, and from whom they [can] gather strength to overcome their hardships.”  Children benefit from knowing that they have someone they can turn to who will nurture and reinforce their efforts, sense of competence, and self-worth.

Having at least one supportive relationship with an influential adult helps children develop self-esteem and a feeling of self-confidence in being able to handle adversity. But of course, more is better. Walsh notes that having a web of supportive relationships helps children develop resilience – so the more supportive adults, who accept and care for the child unconditionally, the better.

One of my friends, Julian, often talks about the importance for each of his children in having at least one adult outside their family who is trusted and cares for his children unconditionally. This enables his children to go to that trusted adult when they wish to and confide things in that adult that they may not feel comfortable talking with their parents about. I think this is a great tip to ensure that our children have access to various people to support them when they face challenges or struggles.

In addition to being a supportive parent and creating and nurturing a web of supportive adults for our children, Walsh notes that there are a number of other ways that we, as parents, can support the development of resilience in our children. These include supporting them to develop:

1. belief that they can control or influence the events they experience;
2. an ability to feel deeply involved in or committed to the activities in their lives;
3. experiences of mastery which cultivate a sense of hope for the future; and
4. the practice of anticipating change as an exciting challenge to further development (so in other words, a growth mindset).

Walsh notes that it also helps when children have a sense of coherence, which includes a belief that their life challenges are understandable, meaningful to tackle, and manageable. This sense of coherence enables mastery. And mastery is important because it helps children learn the skill of optimism (yes – optimism can be learned!!). Mastery shows them that through their own effort they can be successful and this, in turn, gives them hope for success in the future.

Now this recipe for resilience seems pretty straight-forward. But as parents, creating conditions that support all of these things may seem like a daunting challenge.

Developing Resilience through Mastery

One key way to create the opportunity for children to develop resilience is by supporting them to participate in activities through which they can develop mastery. In sport, for example, the experience of working at becoming better and better at something you started out knowing nothing about helps children to develop persistence, a good work ethic, and coachability.

Through sport, children learn that through their hard work and persistence, they can be successful and experience the thrill of victory.  Sport also inevitably provides experiences of heart-breaking losses, from which they can learn important lessons about teamwork, perseverance, self-forgiveness, humility, and grace.  These are all important skills that help them bounce back from defeat or failure.

In sport, or in music or drama or art for that matter, children learn to focus, work consistently on improving their skills and develop the ability to accept constructive feedback.  They also learn to perform under pressure and create effective ways to manage nervousness and anxiety.  In addition to developing resilience, these skills are important to help them be successful in many areas of their lives, including in school, in their careers and in their relationships. So look for ways you can, as parents, provide an opportunity for children to develop mastery; it is through the journey of developing mastery that kids will in turn develop resilience.

A Framework for Family Resilience

Froma Walsh (yes, I’m now her biggest fan) also creates a useful framework to help parents enhance the resilience of children and the entire family. This three-part framework includes:

1. developing a strong family belief system;
2. organizing the processes within the family to foster flexibility and emphasize interconnectedness, and
3. communication processes that encourage emotional sharing and collaborative problem-solving.

(I’m planning to dive into her book in more detail and implement the advice in it. Once I do, I will report back on our family’s progress in supporting our children to develop resilience and in strengthening our family resilience too.)

The last thing I want to share that I learned from Walsh is that resilience can be developed at any point in our lives. Let me repeat that: resilience can be developed at any point in our lives. So if you’re wondering if it is too late for you, don’t fret… just like optimism, resilience can be nurtured, practiced and developed any time.

With these ideas in mind, it’s time to go out and create conditions to help your children develop resilience (and while you’re at it, you can put in place conditions in your own life to develop or deepen your own resilience too!). It will serve them (and you) well for the rest of their lives!

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