Have you ever thought to yourself: “I can’t do that because I’m not that kind of person”?

Well, I have and it got me thinking about how I would finish the following sentence:

I’m not the kind of person who _______________

So many of us put invisible limits on ourselves by telling ourselves that we aren’t “that kind of person”. This type of negative self-talk runs through our minds constantly and can reinforce limitations on ourselves that we might not even be aware of.  These “not the kind of person” statements can also make it difficult to improve on some of our weaknesses because these beliefs, when repeated often enough, become ingrained in our sense of selves and hinder our abilities to make positive changes.

Identifying the invisible limits we place on ourselves is important because we may just be holding ourselves back from living the life we want to live or being the person we want to be by telling ourselves we are not that kind of person.  Identifying these beliefs can also help us decide what new skills or habits to build and which ones are not worth tackling right now.

So I thought I would talk about some of the ways I would finish that sentence and talk about the positive and negative implications of them for me.  I also wanted to reflect on how I could reframe these statements in a positive way so that they no longer create invisible limits for me.

After you take a read, you may want to give it a try too!

Not the Kind of Person Statement #1

I’m not the kind of person who is super organized.

This statement is pretty true.  I can be organized if I choose to be but often I don’t make being organized a high priority.

For example, everyone at work knows that my desk is often piled high with papers relating to various things I’m working on.  At work, my priority is being productive and getting things done so organizing my desk often doesn’t make it to the top of my very long to do list.  Thankfully, I have an amazing colleague Christine who swoops in every once in awhile and tidies up my desk. And when it is tidy, I really, really like it.

But I know myself and for me, not getting the work done by the timelines is more stressful than having a messy desk so despite enjoying the tidy-ness, I’ll continue prioritizing getting my work done and tackle organizing at a later time.

To make it easier for me to tackle this at a later time, here is how I’ll reframe this in the positive so that I stop placing this invisible limitations on myself:

I am the kind of person who is super organized if I make it a priority.

This is a good statement for me because when I read it, it feels good!  It’s important to take note of how statements or affirmations make you feel to make sure that they are actually helpful for you.

Not the Kind of Person Statement #2

I’m not the kind of person who is good at lying.

This statement is true and aligns with my deepest convictions and personal values. I have a deep and abiding belief that telling the truth is the best choice most of the time.

But even this positive “not the kind of” statement comes with limitations.  It could, for example, make it difficult for me to keep information confidential that I should keep confidential – and as a lawyer this is one of my professional responsibilities.  It could also lead me to convince myself that I wouldn’t be a good actor if I wanted to try it out because if the character I were playing did not align with my personality, I’m “not the kind of person” who would be good at pretending to be someone I’m not.

So being aware of this belief helps me to be vigilant about my professional responsibilities and also would show me an internal belief I would need to tackle if I did want to pursue acting.  And best of all, I can reframe this statement into a positive one that actually captures the meaning of it more accurately:

I am the kind of person who can keep information confidential and pretend, when necessary, if it aligns with my ethics.

In reframing this one, I actually had to eliminate the word “lie” from the statement because I just couldn’t feel comfortable saying that I’m okay with lying.

Not the Kind of Person Statement #3

I’m not the kind of person who is fashionable.

Lately, I have been more and more drawn to the idea of a uniform.  Not the school type of uniform but the Obama or Einstein type of uniform – you know the one… the one where you just wear a similar thing every day and you don’t even have to think about it.  I would like to eliminate the time and energy I spend thinking about what I wear each day so I can focus on the big ideas that I am pondering.

I realize, however, that this statement is not a unchangeable fact since I know that I could figure out how to be fasionable and put together outfits by doing some research (i.e. buying fashion magazines, understanding fashion rules, and learning about upcoming trends).  But the thing is, it’s just not for me right now (or maybe ever) and I’m okay with it.

So don’t be surprised if you recognize my work outfits from the Costco shelves.  And be even less surprised if you see me in the same outfit day after day.  I may just further explore the work uniform idea.  But in case I do want to tackle this one, I will reframe it as follows:

I am the kind of person who is fashionable if I work at it and make it a priority.

Not the Kind of Person Statement #4

I’m not the kind of person who has time to relax.

This statement effectively communicates my biggest challenge.  And when I wrote this statement and read it, I feel stress rising in my body. Prioritizing time to relax is my most difficult challenge.

I know that I’m wired to produce and to set and achieve goals and I value this as a key part of who I am. But for me, this wiring certainly makes prioritizing relaxation difficult.  So I want to change this statement and become the kind of person who makes time to relax.

I want to plan a family vacation long in advance.  I want to model the importance of creating space and time for relaxation so that my kids know that it’s important to do that.  I want to be that kind of person who has time to relax so that my body doesn’t constantly carry the stress of pushing forward towards the next big thing.

So I am going to start telling myself that:

I am the kind of person who prioritizes time for myself and my family to relax, breathe, play and laugh.

This statement makes me feel happy.  And I’m going to repeat this new statement over and over so I can be that kind of person!

Overcoming the Invisible Limitations of Not Being That Kind of Person

So for those of you who are wondering if you can actually change these statements for yourself, I thought i would reflect on a “not the kind of person” statement that once was true but I tackled and changed.

I’m not the kind of person who can walk into a room and introduce myself to a bunch of strangers.

I used to be that kind of person who walked into a room and was not comfortable talking to people.  But a friend of mine in my twenties – Jessica – totally changed that for me.  Jessica has exceptional people skills.  So in our twenties, we would go to a bar together and Jessica would walk around the whole bar chatting with various people.

The first few times I followed her around and was amazed at how skilled she was at starting conversations with total strangers – from the bartender to people in line at the bathroom to small groups of people gathered together.  I listened and learned and told her how much I admired her ability to do this.

Then after a few nights of observing, we walked into a bar and Jessica turned to me and said: “Okay, you go that way and I’ll go this way and we’ll meet in the middle and talk about who we want to spend time hanging out with for the rest of the night.”

It was really nerve-wracking for me but I did it.  And you know what?  I was able to walk around the room full of people and start conversations.  When I made it a quarter way through the room, I met Jessica – I didn’t quite do my half but I sure tried!  And after that, it got easier and easier for me.  Although it still doesn’t come as naturally to me as for Jessica and it requires effort and energy on my part, it’s now part of my skill set.

And turning that “not the kind of person” statement on its head has helped me a lot in my career.  I remember being at a large law firm during my articling year and being the only articling student who walked around the room chatting with the associates and partners.  All the other students stood in one small circle together and chatted nervously amongst themselves.

The ability to walk around a room and make connections is a skill I developed only because my dear friend Jessica pushed me out of my comfort zone.  I don’t know if I have ever told Jessica how much I appreciate that so thank you Jessica – because of you I can now confidently say:

I am the kind of person who can walk around a room full of strangers and make connections.

So examining the “not the kind of person statements” is an important way to consider the beliefs you hold about yourself that may be creating invisible limitations for you.

And you know what?

Once you identify these statements, you may be okay with some of them.  But for the ones that bother you – for the ones that make stress rise in your body or make you feel a heavy weight in your heart –  you may just want to start working on turning those statements upside down.

Instead of accepting these limiting “not the kind of person” statements, you may instead choose to be that kind of person.  You know … that kind of person who is fearless, overcomes obstacles in their path, and creates their own destiny.

So be that kind of person – I dare you!

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