How many of you have been in a situation at work where someone makes an offensive comment, where speaking up would be the right thing to do, and instead you’ve been frozen? Maybe you were shocked or couldn’t believe what you just heard. Maybe your mind was spinning thinking about what to say in the moment.

My friend and colleague Ken Yau recently posted on LinkedIn about a virtual session at work:

Wow. His post got me thinking. I really want to commend Ken for bringing this situation to light because things like this happen all the time, but we often aren’t brave enough to talk about them after the fact, especially when we didn’t act the way we would have wanted to.

Many of us have encountered this kind of situation before. We have been caught on our back foot, confronted by an unexpected comment or situation. We find ourselves frozen. Unsure what to say or do in the moment.  The moment passes, and then we often spend time thinking of what we could have / should have said.

We reflect on the situation, and we pledge to speak up the next time. But, whose to say that we’ll be ready to speak up the next time? The problem is that it won’t likely be the same as this time, and we can find ourselves feeling the same way again, caught on our back foot once again.

The Privilege of Not Speaking Up

Not speaking up, or not being prepared to speak up, can actually be a reflection of privilege in and of itself. This is the case because many times, less privileged individuals have a lived experience where they have been targeted by discriminatory comments. Their experience has, unfortunately, put them in situations where they have faced these types of comments frequently and they are therefore ready to speak up in the moment. When you are constantly experiencing microaggressions or blatantly discriminatory comments that target you directly, you may already and always be ready to speak up.

Those of us who don’t experience frequent microaggressions or run in circles where this type of behaviour is uncommon or not tolerated may have the privilege of being caught on our back feet, and not speaking up. Hopefully this article will equip you to be prepared to speak up more effectively.

The Challenge of Speaking Up in the Moment

There’s nothing wrong with making a pledge to “speak up the next time”. But, for me, the real challenge is that next time doesn’t look exactly like the last time.

The unexpected comment and context will be a different one.

You might find yourself caught on your back foot again, even if you want to be ready, even if you expect yourself to speak up, and even when you have made a personal commitment to do so.

So I started wondering, how can Ken (or I) be ready the next time this happens? How can any of us be ready if we’re not used to putting ourselves out there on our front foot and confronting an inappropriate comment in the moment?

Five Tips for Speaking Up

I was talking about this with my sisters Rachel and Kirsten, the co-founders of possibilify: Rachel, a high school teacher, and Kirsten, who works on a team advocating for systemic change to improve relationships between the government and Indigenous communities in a way that supports reconciliation. Both my sisters are uniquely placed with helping to figure out how to address these kinds of unexpected situations:

• As a teacher, Rachel was reflecting that she is frequently confronted with situations she hadn’t planned for and the techniques that she and her colleagues use as teachers might be useful in confronting offensive comments.
• As a passionate anti-racist, Kirsten is expected to address inappropriate statements in her day-to-day life, and frequently finds herself in the position of assertively confronting racist comments.
• And all three of us are part-Japanese, part-Caucasian women. We have each personally experienced racist and sexist behaviour, and as working professionals, we have each encountered unexpectedly offensive situations.

So together we brainstormed five tips that may help.  These tips can help you be on your front foot the next time you encounter unexpected discriminatory remarks.

1. Speak Up Immediately, and Buy Yourself Time to Think
2. Three Ways to Make Your Point
3. Support Others who Speak Up
4. Speak Up Even If the Conversation has Moved On
5. Follow-up through Other Processes

1. Speak Up Immediately, and Buy Yourself Time to Think

In the natural ebb and flow of a conversation, there is a moment when a comment is timely and relevant to the discussion. Sometimes, we miss that moment, and it may feel trickier to bring the conversation back around than it would be to deal with it in the moment.

How can you be ready in the moment to deal with something unexpected?

Rachel was reflecting on the fact that as a teacher, there are frequently things that happen within the classroom dynamics that are unexpected. One of the techniques that teachers use is to interrupt the flow and buy themselves time to think.

One way to be able to interject right in the moment is to have a go-to phrase you can use in any situation. Here is a list of things you can say to interrupt and buy yourself time to think:

• Excuse me. / Excuuuuuse meeeee.
• Oh my goodness, oh my gosh or just oh my.
• Hold on a minute.
• No. You didn’t? Did you?
• Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
• Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
• Wow. Just wow. I’m speechless.
• I can’t believe what I’m hearing.

To buy yourself even more time to think, many of these phrases can be drawn out, or repeated with a pause in between each repetition, or combined with another phrase.

The point here is have something in your toolkit ready to say right away, to pause the conversation in the moment, to maintain control of the flow and buy yourself time to think.

2. Three Ways to Make Your Point

Good job. You spoke up. You interrupted the flow of the conversation, and you’ve drawn attention to the fact that something inappropriate just happened. So what now?

Now you need to make your point about what was just said.   Here are three ways to make your point:

a. Ask the Speaker to Explain their Statement

b. Enlist Others to Provide a Comment

c. Tackle the Comment Head-on

a. Ask the Speaker to Explain their Statement

This technique came from my daughter. In her peer groups, she and other friends will turn the comment back on to the speaker to explain. You can do this by asking them something like:

I’m not sure I understand what you mean – could you please explain?

or

Hold on a second. Can you help me understand that comment?

Frequently, just pausing and having the speaker reflect on their own comment is enough for the speaker to realize their comment was inappropriate.  Even better, if they attempt to explain it, they often have trouble and the discomfort is put back onto them.

b. Enlist Others to Provide a Comment

Kirsten shared that another effective technique she uses is to enlist others to provide a comment, particularly when she is leading or facilitating a session. After an offensive comment, she says:

Before we move on, does anyone have a comment or statement they would like to make in response?

or

What do others think about that comment?

In doing so, it calls attention to the problem, it gives a natural opportunity to create a pause or break in the conversation, buying more thinking time, and gives others an opportunity to speak up.

c. Tackle the Comment Head-On

Here you can give specifics as to why their comment was problematic. In this case it was a sexist comment, but an offensive comment could be anything, so this is where you customize what you say to your current situation.

In Ken’s case above, he might have said:

“Your comment deepens stereotypes about women and reinforces a bias about women leaders that is unfair.”

or

“I find that comment sexist and inappropriate.”

Your statement can be short and concise. It doesn’t have to be eloquently worded, and it is fine if it is personal. As a woman, I might have said:

“As a female leader, I do not believe I am ‘nastier’ than my male counterparts. In fact, I strive to be an effective, compassionate leader.”

Or, Ken or I might have responded with some emotion (bearing in mind that as a female leader, emotions are not always well received):

“I am shocked that you would make such a sweeping statement about women leaders. I found your comment completely inappropriate and I’m sure others would agree.”

This leads directly to the next tip.

3. Be ready to support others who speak up

After someone has taken it upon themselves to speak up, interrupt the conversation flow, and has made the point that the comment was inappropriate, as an advocate on the sidelines, you should be ready to support others, especially if you are in a position of privilege. Privilege comes in many forms, including factors such as race, gender, sexual orientation, level of education, socio-economic elements and others. (By the way, in a North American westernized society, if you are a White heterosexual male, you are always in a position of privilege). Simply put, if you are not a member of a group of people often targeted by offensive comments, you are in a position of privilege.

When you are not the person who spoke up, be their ally. If they cannot say ‘why’ the comment was inappropriate or offensive because their words have failed them, or they are so enraged or hurt, but you can, then speak up.

Many times, in our westernized society, the expectation is that a member of the group being targeted or marginalized is accountable for calling out the bad behaviour. Just interrupting and calling out the bad behaviour takes courage. To do this while reeling from the hurt of the offensive comment is even more courageous.

For those with privilege, it is important to understand that relying on someone from within the group being targeted to speak up often requires more risk to them than to others.  Depending on the situation, someone from within the group being targeted may be putting themselves in physical danger, may be increasing the risks of retaliation in terms of their career success, may be seen as biased or “too sensitive”,  or may be seen or labelled as a “trouble-maker.”  These consequences may potentially be both serious and long-term.

To be an advocate for systemic change (e.g. anti-racist, anti-sexist, anti-homophobic, anti-ableist), you must be ready to act with courage and speak up. Speaking up should not always fall on the individual who is being targeted or marginalized. If you hear an inappropriate comment and are not part of the targeted group, then as an ally, you can play an important role in being the person who speaks up to address the offensive comment.  This is so important and holds even when a member of the group being targeted is not in the room.  Offensive comments should not be left unchallenged so make a commitment, like Ken did, to speak up when this happens, and use some of the tips in this article to do so.

If you witnessed the courage of someone calling the behaviour out, then be an active ally. Support the person who has made the courageous effort to call out the bad behaviour. This means you let them finish their comments – don’t talk over them – AND then add your voice. In doing this, particularly as a member of a privileged group, it’s important not to take up too much space as it could appear that you are trying to make it all about yourself. So just concisely reiterating that the comment was unacceptable is the best route forward.

If someone had called out this behaviour, then Ken could have said,

“I agree. That comment was unacceptable.”

The Power of Silence

When you call out inappropriate or offensive behaviour, it makes people uncomfortable. (To be clear, inappropriate or offensive behaviour also makes people uncomfortable).

When inappropriate or offensive behaviour is called out, others may not know what to say or how to address it. There may be a silent pause. And the silence can grow and extend, and make people feel really uncomfortable.

That’s okay.

There is a power in silence. There is power in discomfort. It is appropriate for people to be uncomfortable. It is appropriate to let silence be your friend and ally in these conversations. Change can only happen in moments of discomfort.

So let discomfort be your ally in these moments.

What if you missed the moment?

In an ideal world, the person would have been called out for their inappropriate behaviour at the right moment, they would hear the feedback, and would recognize and acknowledge the inappropriateness of their comment. Hopefully they would apologize genuinely and meaningfully and the matter could be considered closed.

But what happens if you missed the moment?

In this case there are two courses of action to consider: address it even if the conversation has moved on or follow-up through other processes.

4. Address it even after the conversation has moved on

Okay. You were caught off guard. You missed the ‘best’ moment to interrupt the conversation and bring it up. If the conversation is still going on, you could still choose to address it.

You could say something like:

“I know the conversation has moved on, but I’ve been reflecting on a comment I heard earlier and I am feeling really uncomfortable. When the comment came up about being ‘nastier because they were playing the role of a female leader’, I was shocked. I felt like I had been punched in the gut. I couldn’t believe I heard a comment like that, especially in a forum of senior leaders. And I can’t let a comment like that go without calling out that it was inappropriate and sexist. I wish I had said something when the comment was made, but I’m calling it out now because I cannot let it slide by.”

While it may be uncomfortable to bring the conversation back around, it can still be better and appropriate to call it out in the forum in which it occurred than to let it slide. This is in part because then all the people who are present at the event or session hear it being addressed.  Calling it out in that forum eliminates all those side conversations and all the effort that goes along with trying to decide how and whether to address it after the fact.  Additionally, to create an active culture of anti-oppression, it is important to normalize these types of conversations and to normalize the discomfort that goes along with them.

So go ahead, be brave and speak up even after the conversation has moved to a different topic. It’s worth it.

5. Follow-up through other processes

Okay, the worst case scenario has happened. You were there. An inappropriate comment was made, and you didn’t speak up. Even worse, no one else did either. It’s eating you up. What do you do?

• Have a 1:1 discussion with the person who made the comment after the fact.
• If it happened in a professional setting, as this did, raise the issue with those who organized the event and with Human Resources.

Most organizations have a process in place to deal with discriminatory behaviour in the workplace. In fact, most organizations’ policies extend beyond behaviour in the workplace to social media and other environments as well. The organization’s policies and processes are there for situations like this. Reporting this kind of offensive behaviour to the event organizers and to the HR department will raise the concern to the right levels, and corrective action will be put in place. If corrective action doesn’t occur, you could likely take your case to a governing body beyond your organization, and you may decide that you need to look for a new place to work.

Being An Advocate, Ally and Co-Resistor Means Being Ready to Speak Up

Being prepared for the unexpected is not easy, but being an advocate means being ready to speak up. Having these five tips in mind can really help.

1. Speak Up Immediately, and Buy Yourself Time to Think
2. Three Ways to Make Your Point
3. Support Others who Speak Up
4. Speak Up Even If Conversation has Moved On
5. Follow-up through Other Processes

NOTE: As a follow-on to the specific situation that was referenced in Ken’s post, I want to assure you that it was addressed, after the fact, through our internal processes. I want to thank Ken for sharing the story in the first place, for two reasons. Firstly because he had the courage to write about it, talk about his regret in not addressing it right there and then, and bring it to a wider audience. Secondly, because it led to this blog post and furthering the important thinking around how to speak up and address offensive comments in the workplace.

There is a reason we say “hindsight is 20/20”. We can take the time to reflect, consider what we might have done better and, as Ken has done, commit to do better the next time. The important thing is is to figure out how to be ready to deal with the unexpected the next time around.  And hopefully with these tips at the ready, we can be on our front foot to address these unexpected, inappropriate situations in the future.

We are always interested in your thoughts and comments – share them in the comments section below!

If you liked this article, check out previous articles in our anti-racism series:

Photo by OSPAN ALI on Unsplash