I’m a teacher. 

In the school setting we, as teachers, are dealing with one or more classes at a time.  Because of this, I usually give the Superhero Talk to many students at a time. This offers several benefits – larger scale impact, establishing clear expectations for the group and straight up efficiency. For those of you working with smaller groups or for parents, this conversation is also powerful in small groups or one-on-one.

I remember the first time I ever gave the Superhero Talk to my class. We had a student in our class named Shaye (not her real name) who was anxious and withdrew from group activities. Shaye often preferred to sit on the sidelines in our Physical Education class, particularly during team sport activities. Early on, I realized that in order to make a positive impact, I really needed the entire class to help by connecting with Shaye.

As a high school teacher, I recognize the limits of my ability to connect with students. I’m one person with limited time for each student and I’m also an adult with formal power.

Teenagers crave connection, belonging and acceptance from their peers and Shaye was no different. The best way I could think of to change Shaye’s experience was for her classmates to make consistent, genuine efforts to include her and create an atmosphere where Shaye felt safe. My strategy to make this happen was to regularly have various versions of the Superhero Talk that I describe below.

In these Superhero Talks, I reinforced the power of bravery, connecting and seizing the moment to make a positive difference. And my students began to recognize opportunities and they began to act.

Over the course of the next couple of weeks, Shaye was greeted every day by her classmates. A few members of our class gently and persistently encouraged her to join in and she eventually allowed herself to become a participating member of our group. I never singled her out as someone who needed help, but her classmates recognized that she needed them.

I don’t know exactly what happened for Shaye. I don’t know which interactions moved her to be able to join in. I will never know. But in that moment I realized the power that comes from inspiring a group to act bravely.

Our entire class also seized many more opportunities to connect with each other and the dynamics in the class became more and more positive, trusting and playful.

Years later, I had an interaction that demonstrated that my efforts to provide a positive, transformational experience for Shaye had paid off. 

One day, as I walked into the shopping mall, someone came bounding up to me and gave me a big hug. It was Shaye. This formerly withdrawn student flashed a big smile as her huge hug caught me by surprise. She told me how that year in my class had changed her high school experience and, as I listened to her, I found myself welling up with tears.  Her hug and smile were powerfully encouraging to me, and showed me that our community has the power to change lives.

And in that moment, when she decided to give me a big hug, she created a Superhero moment for me.

So what do you need to do to teach your children to develop their own Superhero Powers?

Ask your children (or students) these questions. Be sure to give them ample time to think and respond. (And I encourage you to think about these questions for yourself too.)

1. Have you ever noticed a situation where you thought you might be able to make a positive difference?

2. Have you ever noticed someone sitting alone?

3. Have you ever seen someone who seemed sad?

4. Maybe you wondered if someone might be having trouble making friends?

5. Maybe you even noticed a teacher or another adult who was getting really frustrated?

6. And when you saw that situation, did you ever wish you could do something to help?

7. Did you think to yourself: “Maybe I could do or say something that could help?”

And I want to tell you, those moments of noticing are truly the beginning of your superpowers starting to grow.

Because in having that small, humble thought, that moment of noticing, in having that feeling that you wish you could do something to help, your compassion, your empathy and your kindness are creating your opportunity to blossom into a superhero.

Now, these next questions are going to matter just as much to your Superhero Powers:

1. Have you ever seen another person doing a great job of encouraging someone else?

2. Have you seen someone support someone else with kindness?  It could even be a time when someone unexpectedly showed compassion to another.

3. How did it make you feel when you saw this?  Did it make you feel warm and fuzzy all over?  Did it make your heart sing?

4. And when you saw that wonderful thing, did you want to tell them that you thought what they did was great?  Did you think to yourself, “Maybe I could tell them how wonderful that was?”

Now here is the important part to think about:

Did you talk yourself out of it?

Did you choose to let the moment pass?

Did you let your fear of things not working out well let you off the hook?

Many of us do this often.  We let those moments slip right through our fingers.

And often, we feel a quiet loss, like:

“It’s too bad I let that moment pass, because I feel like I lost an opportunity to be great.”

“It’s too bad I didn’t say something, it would have made that person feel great.”

“It’s too bad I let that moment slip through my fingers, it would have made me feel great to have said something positive to that person.”

But we also may feel a little relieved.  We may think to ourselves:

In some ways, I’m glad I didn’t say anything because I didn’t have to take the risk.

It’s easier not to act.

It’s easier not to grow.

It’s easier not to connect.

No one else knows that I let myself off the hook – that I decided not be brave. But I know.

Yes?

Yes. (I see you nodding your head.)

Here’s the good news:

Just by simply noticing these opportunities you’re part of the way to your greatness. Those impulses to connect with those who are struggling and to support other people are an important first part of your learning.

These are the moments when you can grow your superpowers.

Those impulses demonstrate that you already notice and identify people who you could help, who need support or connection, or who would benefit from a greeting, a kind word, or a high five.

The most important step is one you can take right now.

The Ultimate Secret to Becoming a Superhero is making a decision to act. Every Time.

Let me repeat this another way:  Your key to greatness is making a commitment to yourself that you will act in all of these situations and more, whenever you know you might make a positive difference.

If you are committed to Becoming a Superhero, then it is time to truly commit to future action:

Make a commitment to act on those impulses the next time you see someone who could use your support.

Make a commitment to take action to help another person feel better.

Make a commitment to acknowledge others when they do something great.

(This commitment is not only for the young. As you go through life and see these Superhero moments for yourself, commit to acting with bravery, and creating connection. Who knows, you may just become the Superhero that you never knew you could be.)

Now that you have made your commitment to act, you must also give yourself permission to allow things not to go as planned. 

This is where courage comes into play.

Maybe on occasion you may try to support someone when they are frustrated and they speak angrily to you.  Maybe you notice someone who is lonely and you sit beside them and they move away.  It’s okay if this happens. It’s okay if things don’t go as planned.

Remember, your efforts to support, even if they seem to be unappreciated, mean more than if you had just ignored that feeling you had that you should do something. Even though it might seem like your efforts failed, your gesture still may have had a positive impact. And often there is a chance to talk or smooth things over later (which also develops your Superhero skills).

Realize that these moments that don’t go quite as planned will be few and far between.

The more you practice courage, the more skills you will develop as a brave, connecting and supportive Superhero. My estimate (based on zero data) is that 99 times out of 100, people will appreciate your gesture of support. And the wonderful part is, with this commitment to act comes the development of greater courage – a key to developing your skills as a Superhero.

So have this conversation. 

You’ll see the wheels spinning. 

Then make a commitment to repeat this Superhero Talk often, apply it to various circumstances and customize it to apply to situations that come up in your child’s life. This is a conversation that will become more and more impactful and powerful each time that you revisit it.

This Superhero Talk has the potential to unlock tremendous powers. (And coupled with the Hero School conversation, will prepare your child for a great school year.) Committing to acting on those moments cultivates Superhero bravery. These moments are where our people learn to trust their instincts, to support others, to connect with their community members, to become the superheroes they have always wanted to be.

No capes required.