Do you ever ask your children to complete a task but they don’t do it?

I have been reading a lot of parenting books lately to develop new skills and techniques to communicate respectfully and effectively with my kids.  And I recently learned about a great tool to use when my kids are not getting something done that I have asked them to do.

This tip comes from Amy McCready’s book “The Me, Me, Me Epidemic: A Step-by-Step Guide to Raising Capable, Grateful Kids in an Over-Entitled World.” In the book, McCready provides many different tips and tricks but the one I am focusing on today is the “When Then Tool.”  This tool can be very helpful when asking reluctant children to complete chores, homework or other things that they may not be interested in doing or may be procrastinating about.

The When Then Tool involves constructing a phrase as follows:

WHEN you have X [usually completed a chore, homework, or something else you would like the child to do], THEN we can Y [do something the child really wants to do].

Sounds simple, right?  So let me share what happened when I put it into action…

Putting the When Then Tool to the Test

Last week, I was faced with a perfect opportunity to try out the When Then Tool. My husband, Robby, was away on a trip and was getting back late on  Saturday night.  The house was not particularly tidy and, earlier in the week, I had let my children know that we would all be working together on Saturday to clean the house.  When Saturday morning arrived, we got to work.

My children, to their credit, completed a bunch of small tasks to help tidy the house but one remained outstanding for most of the day.  It was tidying up the dining room table.

The table was covered in various things – homework, craft supplies, headphones and electronics.  I had asked the kids a couple of times to clean the table as it was the last thing we needed to do to tidy up before Robby got home.

The kids had come up with an idea to go to the toy store that day to buy a family board game as a welcome home gift for Robby.  (Here I’ll just pause to say that from my perspective, the week long golf trip was a pretty good gift for him already but I was willing to go along with the welcome home board game because they were so excited and we play alot of board games in our family.)

This became the perfect situation to test out the When Then Tool.  So to get the kids to finish cleaning the dining room table, I followed McCready’s instructions and said:

“When you finish cleaning the table, then we can go to the toy store.”

They asked if we could go right away and I repeated: “When you finish cleaning the table, then we can go to the toy store.”

The kids ran downstairs and started playing together so I started doing some of my own tasks.   A couple of times one of them popped up to ask if we could go to the toy store.  I said: “When you finish cleaning the table, then we can go to the toy store.”

Two and half hours later, I called downstairs: “Just letting you know that the toy store closes in about an hour.”

The kids ran upstairs and within 5 minutes the table was tidied up.  So then we went to the toy store and my husband was surprised and delighted by his welcome home board game.

I have now used this tool several times very effectively.  And I am happy to report that it has been effective with both my children, whose very different personalities have provided my husband and I with the opportunity to expand our repertoire of parenting techniques to meet each child’s needs.

Advantages of the When Then Tool

There are many things I find helpful about the When Then Tool:

1. it provides a clear structure for articulating my expectations (the When) and how it relates to what they want to do (the Then).
2. it gives me a very clear way to phrase the reminder until the task is complete and eliminates the constant nagging, as well as those very long: “And also…” lectures.
3. it avoids a punitive consequence since WHEN they finish their task, the THEN is always on the table.  So in the example above, the trip to the toy store was still on the table even if it might have had to be pushed until the following day when the store reopened once they tidied up the table.
4. Finally, and most importantly, the When Then Tool teaches children about reciprocity – that WHEN they do the tasks, chores, homework that they are asked to do, THEN I will do the thing that they asked me to do.  And these lessons about reciprocity – that being kind and thoughtful to others will be result in others being kind and thoughtful to you – are important to help them develop the skills they need to have meaningful relationships with others in their personal and professional lives.

So the the When Then Tool is staying in my parenting repertoire.  And when you give it a try, then you might be pleasantly surprised with how it helps you reduce nagging, clarify expectations and create more peace in your relationships with your children.

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